What I intend to do by writing this list of madness is provide all the potential writers out there with a crafty ‘10 things’ list of phrases that belong to real people in their real weird, real unedited moments which I give away with full permission to use for whatever reason. What you can do is use these unexpected, particularly graphic, generally creative slip of tongues in your stories. They’re funny when they are done being offensive. Read and enjoy the part where they were not meant for you.
Just straight up nonsense. For the life of me I don’t know what it means. The person who gets the credit for inventing this just let out some noise and the world had its newest absurdity. And you know about this because I was there.
2-) I’m such a good thing
Of course you are. The only bit of encouragement you need to give yourself. Because that’s what it was. Just a harmless pat somebody gave themselves on the shoulder. How random.
3-) Your whole life is a platypus noise
Imagine what someone did to deserve this. If you ever need to wreck the daylights out of a person this is what you tell them. You have my blessing. Simply just having to accept what they heard is insane. In case you have never heard what exactly is the great platypus noise. Here you go.
4-) Russian Crops
Here’s the background of this. Some degenerate was of the idea that Russia is devoid of crops. So the allusion to Russian crops could easily be an insult. AND IT WASN’T CROPS THEY WERE ALLUDING TO. Just so we’re clear Russia is doing a pretty great job with potatoes.
5-) If you’re going to be an asshat be one with a feather in it.
‘Whatever you are, be a good one’ cannot come close.
This is what happens when someone forgets the word ‘Papacy’ and decides to make their own. Good enough?
7-) The Great Golden Penis
How to explain what a shady, narcissistic, incredibly tall person needs to be home in time for – in 4 words. This story is longer than I have patience for
8 -) You just Snape-d her.
So you give Harry Potter references on a daily basis to describe everyday things. Memes make more sense to you than knocking on a closed door. It’s normal. So what other word for ‘shocked’ can you use?
Question isn’t if you should. Question is what’s stopping you?
9-) Can you not grab my flab, it hurts my feelings
I don’t know why these things happen but they do. Some people have the art of really putting the details into you.
10-) It was a slip of tongue. Freud would not agree.
Everyday discussions between dorks of sorts. What it means for everyone else, is that if you said it, you meant it, even if the most recent part of your brain didn’t.
Oh and its not 10.
Here’s 11-) I just gave my eyes tears.
Something someone said after proofreading this and laughing their stomach sick. I’m not even bragging.
featured image credit: Hari Pota